9 August 2017

Incarceration

Is it Art?
No - it's my designer decorating trews.
While George and Amal Clooney are snuggling up on their sofa, watching "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" on their mammoth TV set, I very much doubt that Amal cajoles George to re-decorate their bedroom. I just can't visualise George donning old decorating clothes and shifting the furniture or heading off to the local branch of B&Q to purchase paint, wallpaper, filler and all the other stuff you need for a domestic decorating project.

It's something that rich people never experience. When's the last time that Mick Jagger wielded a paint roller? When's the last time Donald Trump got barley white emulsion in his eye when painting a ceiling? When's the last time Queen Elizabeth II had to use white spirit to clean up her hands and brushes while standing over the kitchen sink?

All of this preamble is leading to the confession that I have finally succumbed to the psychological pressure cleverly applied by Lady Pudding to achieve her target - the redecoration of our bedroom.. 

For three days, I have been a virtual prisoner, crawling about, up and down the step ladder. scraping, sanding, pasting, glossing, re-coating, wiping down. These are practical actions unknown to The Kardashians or Kim Jong Un. And at sixty three I begin to feel various aches and pains connected with decorating. I especially dislike having to lie on my belly on the floor, simply because it's bloody hard to get up again. I need to keep protecting my right knee from injury.

My unwelcome incarceration and the slavish drudgery have been slightly relieved by BBC Radio 4. It has taken my mind away from the bedroom of punishment. I wonder if Nelson Mandela listened to Radio 4 on Robben Island. Perhaps that's what got him through quarter of a century of unjustified imprisonment. He might have broken rocks there but I doubt that he ever glossed any skirting boards.

The job is still not done. The final act will be to wallpaper the wall at the head of our bed. I have already put good quality lining paper up on that wall. The top paper we chose cost £39 a roll and there are blue peacocks on it. In months to come, I will probably experience nightmares in which I hear the late night alarm calls of peacocks from my dingy cell before waking up in a fevered sweat.

Today I am being allowed out on parole so the papering will have to wait till tonight or tomorrow. As usual on a Wednesday, I shall soon be off down to the Oxfam charity shop to do my bit for an organisation that has done so much great work around the world through the past seventy five years. I just hope that the manager - Catherine - doesn't ask me to paint anything.
Our peacock paper.

26 comments:

  1. Well, in the end I guess you will both agree that the job was well done and worth doing it.
    When I had my bedroom and living room redecorated last year, swapping the two in the process, I was glad to give the actual work of painting to a friend and the wallpapering to a professional. I paid both, and the wallpaper was very expensive, but I am really happy about it. And at no time did I have to lie on my belly (unless I wanted to, of course)! It was still a lot of work, shifting the furniture, cleaning etc., but I love the outcome.

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    1. PS: Queen Elizabeth trained as a car mechanic when she was young, as you probably know. I am sure she did have to clean her hands from machine oil more than once in her life - but many decades ago.

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    2. Ha-ha! Good point about QE2... I remember you paying for the makeover of your apartment and at the time I felt very envious. I have never paid anybody to do any decorating for us through the past thirty six years. I have done it all (with a little help from Shirley).

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  2. Twe have the blue version of that wallpaper in our spare bedroom

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    1. That's where I got the idea from when I watched "Through the Keyhole".

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  3. Well, just stop all the wondering and the daydreaming and get on with the job, laddie!!

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  4. I am not a do-it-yourselfer, as my bank balance clearly shows. I do think any bedroom with you in it would be a bedroom of punishment. My heart goes out to Shirley.

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    1. Your wit is only trumped by your spitefulness.

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  5. Oh well done, Lady Shirley! I hope you had your feet up and were enjoying your cup of tea while cracking that whip on our Mr Pud. Well, when you got home from work, that is. 😉

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    1. Hey, I need you on my side Rozzie!

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  6. I've done my fair share of decorating in the past and I never want to pick up another paintbrush or roller ever again. Although, come to think of it, I promised Paul that I would paint the new garden gates...

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    1. Just feign a bad back, put your feet up and read a book then he won't be able to force you out to the gates.

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  7. I must admit that I quite enjoy decorating, and in the past have sanded, prepared, painted, and wallpapered a good few rooms in each of the houses we've lived in over the past 50 years. Here in Spain they don't go in for wallpaper, so it's just a another coat a white emulsion when a room needs freshening up. Very easy, but oh so deadly dull, when you consider that almost everyone's house is exactly to same. No sense of individuality at all.

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    1. I suspect that your home contains a lot of individuality CG - from straw donkeys to stuffed animals and your vast collection of empty wine bottles.

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  8. Love the wallpaper. Now I need to know what Mrs YP used to persuade you (or if it is a secret we can only guess!)

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    1. No negligees or bullwhips - instead, like a military interrogator she used persistence, grinding down her quarry until he finally broke... "Okay! I give in. I'll do it!"

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  9. Did you tell Mrs Pudding about any of this. I think you should so that she feels a little guilty and may not ask for the kitchen to be redone right away. but I have news for you. 77 is much worse for getting up off the floor!

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    1. You've got a Micro Manager but I have got a Macro Manager!

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  10. I didn't realize you had one leg so much shorter than the other, YP - no wonder your knee is giving you trouble! :) Good on you for making Mrs YP's dreams come true. Even if they are simply decorating dreams. :D

    I don't do painting and wallpapering, mostly because I procrastinate too much and it would never ever get done, but I do have to get down on the floor and back up to clean stuff. I also sit on the floor to brush the cats daily, so I'm hoping that will keep me in some kind of shape in case I fall at some point ...

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    1. My legs are the same length! However, I can see how my trouser photo might have deceived you.

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    2. I really need to start using a winking emoticon to indicate I am joking ...

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  11. I need to know what Mrs YP used to persuade you




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  12. My other half says 'I would rather pay someone to do the hard work! He is l suspect a deal older than you YP and he's not a Yorkshireman. Now before you get crabby with me again, I love Yorkshire men, my grandfather was born in Keighley... so there!

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  13. I admire you for doing the work yourself! As we speak, there's a handyman in the dining room painting our ceiling. But then, the landlord brought him in, so we're not footing the bill!

    For what it's worth, I like your wallpaper!

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